Fasting - Cleansing my lower chakras

For the last 44 hours, I have been fasting on the theme of sexuality, power and survival.

These energies have been presenting themselves as energies that I need to work with and I will explain that in a bit…

Here is an excerpt from the book I am writing about fasting:

Experiencing a fast has been the closest thing to a psychedelic experience without intake.

There are several common things to happen during a fast.  Firstly, our desires for things to be different than they are come up.  We can clearly see that there is a deep drive to be having reality be doing something other than what is happening.  Of course, this can be translated into many other facets in life, and can lead to a deeper appreciation for personal bravery.

Secondly, because there is no intake, our body is not focused on distributing energy in the same way.  The energy is left entirely to its own devices, its own internal mechanisms for cleansing, organising and shaping what is already there.

Much like a psychedelic experience, sometimes we are faced with fears/guilt/issues that are coming up to be processed, and sometimes we are sent into ecstatic states of understanding.  Often times both, but it is important not to come into it with an expectation of either.

There are also different types of fasts.  Sometimes it is not only about not eating.  It can be about eating something in particular, or not eating something.  Not doing something we normally do: Sex, computers, tv, etc

It is important to be reasonable with ourselves.  It is easy to want to bite off more than we can chew.  Start with one day for whatever the experience is, and work your way up to more.  Of course, don’t listen to me, but trust yourself.  I have bitten off more than I could chew before, and doing a fast/retreat experience without wanting to  be there, though we can challenge these patterns, if we choose to just sit in resentment can be a waist of energy and/or leave a bad taste in our mouth for the possibilities/opportunities that these come with.

The “all or none” fascist mindset can be a remedy for repression rather than exploration.  Be careful, but also be daring!

So I stopped eating after suppertime on Wednsday evening and the on Thursday morning simply continued.

This is the third time I have done a non-eating fast.  But I have done two other dietary fasts before so I am getting used to the experience.

Thursday afternoon I went to a cabin for the evening and got back today (Friday) around 1:30pm

Because I am getting used to the experience, I was not craving food, or rather, I was settled in the experience I was having.  The feelings that come up and happen as the body gets used to no food intake is very unique.  There was lucidity, highs, lows, confusion, understanding, the whole gambit!

I drank a lot of water, and peed 25 times.  Because I was focused on my lower chakras, this is no surprise.  When going through a transformation, water can be one of the best energetic “transducers”.  As many people in the spiritual community know, water is a very malleable substance, and can aid or take away from whatever is necessary.

So I was peeing out what no longer worked, and taking in my new intention.

In Buddhist philosophy, when we go on spiritual journeys of any kind, there is the opportunity for the records of humanity, the earth, the cosmos, the animals, planets, etc that we explore and integrate into our awareness.

Well this one was pretty intense, I came face to face with a very violent, and sexually abusive part of myself.  Someone who would take advantage of another without remorse.

I knew that this was coming, simply because I have asked for a true upgrade of my sexuality to be in full line with my heart.

Whenever we ask for something, be assured that the steps will be taken.

Often times those steps are of A) Forgiving through the acceptance of seeing the energies, and B) Releasing/transforming through the sincere movement for a change to open up an aligned flow.

I am actually embarrassed to write about this, as I consider myself a kind person.  That very consideration however has the opportunity to stuff shadows even further into the dark, and keep the flow blocked.

So a part of my therapeutic experience is to share this, even though there is a part of me that wishes I didn’t see it to begin with!

I wrote out some very disturbing things, screamed at the top of my lungs, and allowed very aggressive and intrusive energies/thoughts/emotions to come up.

When doing this sort of thing (It is not always THIS dramatic) it is important to be in a safe space, and feel comfortable without being disturbed.

Today, after settling with myself, forgiving the energies coming up (This is easy for me in a lot of situations, but sexuality has always been a sticky point for me), and allowing the transformation, I am feeling much better.

Perhaps there is more work to do on this subject, but I feel lucky to be in supportive spaces within and without.

I do know that it is time to purify and integrate these energies into an alignment with my true nature.  And that there is no time like the present ;)


I go to an astrology website, and this is what she said about the evening I was fasting:

"tonight we have an opportunity to look at old stuff. don't let the trigger mislead you- what is coming up is most likely very ancient." - Amen.
Thanks for reading!

Vancouver Island

I have been on Vancouver Island for almost two months!

The theme here has been rebirth.

There are certain patterns that I was working with at home that I was having trouble dropping.  When I say patterns I mean thoughts, words, and emotions - familiar routines that appear to be a personality.

When these routines are beneficial they can be lovely, but the ones I have been working with are of poor self worth, self pity, fear of commitment, fear of creating, and subtle control patterns.

It has been a very intense month in particular, allowing these energies within myself to come up, and ask for, and work with transmutation.

I am blessed to be here on this lovely farm – It is almost creating a womb like experience…

I have done and learned a lot about landscaping – It is so amazing to be a part of a transformation of a piece of land.  In one day it looks completely different from when it started.  Every bit of landscaping is metaphoric to me of inner landscaping…

To do weeding and to pull out the roots is very similar to finding patterns within that do not fit.  To plant flowers and watch them grow is very similar to setting an intention and being with the flowering of the experience.  To re-condition the soil is to “loosen up” the ground for new growth.

Another metaphor is the tools that are used, the gloves that protect the hands…

It’s amazing to be in a place where I have these opportunities!

I have come face to face with certain patterns around relationships, with some help from Lauren.  I asked her to clearly state where there was imbalance in our relationship, and bravely and in truth I learned a lot about where I can change.  Just accepting the mirror of the words was enough to start many balls in motion, many new intentions.

One thing that I am actively releasing is a mentality where I seem to get very close, then a fear of intimacy comes in and I distance, very close, distance.  That is bound to be hard on anyone, let alone someone sharing such personal space.  I feel that the roots are in self worth.

Along the same lines are subtle patterns of control… what I mean by that is that it’s about my coming and going.  In particular during the last week I have really come face to face with a part of me that wishes to control that flow, and again, that is bound to be rough on anyone.

Inner work is a delicate job – But if we can be true to ourselves and also accept the truth that is being reflected by those who we trust, it is very possible to change in healthy ways!

I have noticed with friends how often I was subtly reaffirming my stories lately as well – This is something to begin changing now.  There is time for release and time for seeding.  And I feel that those two spaces in healthy balance create the manifestation.

I had a very interesting experience last night.

I have been cleansing my body from alcohol for over a year now.  And I have been cleansing my body from psychedelics and drugs for the two months.

As I cleanse, my sensitivities to thoughts and emotions increases, my intuition is clearer, and my communication with guiding forces is stronger.

I am not against substances at all – But more and more I am more comfortable in sobriety, and I am walking down this path more and more as I hold healing energies for myself and others.

Last night I decided to do some “intentional drinking” just out of curiosity.

Me and 2 friends sat down and drank quite a bit of absinth.

There is always a level of honesty that comes with drinking that is a little bit different than sobriety, although I made it a goal a long time ago to drop that as a truth, and learned to speak whenever it felt right.

The same goes for dancing.

It was quite nice to sit around and have that experience – I even purged a little.

The intention going in was to continue shedding what is not necessary for my growth and those around me.

Although it was nice, I do not like the hang over, and there is a very good chance that it will be a long time before having another drink.

As the Buddha said though, try things.  Try things each way and then choose for yourself.  It is so important to have personal experience rather than solely going on the word of any other.

I think very soon I am going to go onto the next phase of this journey, and I feel that it will be to go to Victoria for awhile – We shall see how this unfolds!

Love you all

GCA5 - From Banf to Vancouver

Its been about 3 weeks since my last update – The last time I wrote I was in a serious transition in Banff, incredibly ungrounded and feeling really sick.  In a lot of ways I was moving between my life in Nova Scotia, and the unknown territory of who I am becoming.

Anyone I know who is going through a rebirth experiences periods of not having a clue who they are.  This is because whatever we have thought about ourselves previously was what might be called a solid character, or a static image.

“This is just who I am”

This kind of thinking seemed to work before – But now it doesn’t.  I can only speak for my own life of course, but I am blessed to be around others who are experiencing the same thing in their own way.

The “new” (it is only new relatively) way of Being does not confine one’s self to Being a thing – But rather taking a step back into Being itself.

There are a few ways to put this:

We identify with the experience we are having – I am Josh, I am a healer, writer, singer, and lover

Then one says, but is there more?  In a way, there is not more.  But we can remember a space that is not identified with the experience we are having.

You could refer to it as remembering the experiencer, or the witness/bare awareness of the experience.
  
"You can't summon the silent witness, but you can place yourself close to it by refusing to get lost in your own creation" - Depak Chopra

So when one is not solely identified with the experience, and remembers the bare presence of the experiencer – There is liberation from the patterns and solidity of our personal character as the only experience.  A chance to move beyond certain limitations culturally, socially, and according to our own past is made.

In that space without identification with the experience – There is actually MORE SPACE for experience – Because the identification with one way of Being, is opened to multiple ways of Being – Whichever suits the moment, “going with the flow”.

Some people call this “I am” Presence – Because you can say, “I am” without adding anything to it.  This is a major space of liberation.

I do not believe we are to “live there” – But rather know that space, and integrate in ones life.

This is not the easiest thing to explain!!

Anyway, the adventure has been amazing.

In Banff I got to sit with an Elk for about a half an hour  - Beautiful animal!  Deers are everywhere, still are here on Vancouver Island.  I got to have a really great night dancing at a dubstep show.

I was staying with two really cool dudes – And the room I was staying in had a huge spiral in the center of the room, which to me is the symbol of a forward movement without throwing away anything.

A spiral contains itself as it moves – So the end of the spiral and the start of the spiral work together.  It is said that our evolutionary  path is in the formation of a spiral – Because as we move into new evolution we take everything experienced with us.  Rather than just throwing away the past, we move with it into something new in addition to our past.  Taking the learning gained into a freshness of new learning and creating.

So many soul conversations of higher understanding – One of the guys I was staying with has been stepping outside of certain paradigms as well, and we got to talk about the big conundrum of anyone moving forward on a evolutionary path.  That certain things don’t make sense anymore, perhaps you could call them stories – in my experience it is stories of being a victim or winner (ultimately) that do not fit.  But in that, its important to not be secluded from the rest of the people in a town.

So the conundrum is honouring the personal movement out of certain paradigms, but still being able to speak to people who might be in previous paradigms.  This is not to sound “elite” or better than anyone – Its simply an experience, and works with the spiral.

The time with Jay was lovely – Its always good to be with an old friend.  We both recognised that certain patterns come up that do not necessarily represent the “best” in one another – For example, sometimes I would start to feel really weak in my throat chakra – this is because when we knew each other before I was not speaking that which is my current truth.  These overlaps can happen.  But over the course of the experience I found that there was a settling out that was very balanced by the time we parted.

We hitch hiked to Nelson – Awesome experience.  As soon as we got to the first town in British Columbia (Radium) I felt a surge of joy, and a home feeling.  It was so sunny and I just felt filled with hope for freshness in self and adventure!

We got picked up by a really cool young dude – He took us to a natural hotspring which was awesome, took us to his place, fed us homemade pizza and gave as a place to set up our tent in his backyard – Stellar experience all the way through.

All of the hitch hiking experiences were amazing, and dare I say thorough.  Buying us lunch, getting us to the perfect spots.  Really great trip.

Neslon was AMAZING – Synchronicities ruled the day and I met someone going to Vancouver within the first 10 minutes of being there.  The one thing that I noticed in Nelson is that nearly everyone I met was bright.  Bright auras if you will (I do not see auras in detail), but it was obvious that they were doing things that enriched their experience, and were not stuck in a victim, routine space.

We stayed with two of Jays friends, very beautiful girls with really cool jobs doing body painting at festivals.  Truly Beings making it work for themselves.  They took me to another hot springs with caves, really healing currents!

From there I got a drive to Vancouver through the Kootenay Mountains which was more than amazing.  I have never seen nature like this before, and fantasise about camping through there on my way back – But who the hell knows?  Things have already gone much further from any expectation I could have placed on this adventure – Which of course is what makes it an adventure.  Oh, I got a speeding ticket! haha

I almost feel like I am skipping out on so much – In the two weeks I just wrote about there was a constant stream of synchronicity, soul filled conversation, personal confusion/healing, a mending of what it means to be in relationship (or not), and meaningful experiences (both positive and negative)

But I have been lost in the experience here in the freshness as the experiencer and have not found time to write!

I will write about Vancouver, and the trip and experience I am having here on the Island soon – I am feeling incredibly authentic, real, and true to myself in a way that I have not experienced since being in India.  I have had two sexual experiences which have been more than unique to my past, and am playing music with beautiful open people.

This is a long one and I am trying to keep them short, thanks for reading!

Love

GCA4 - Bus Ride from Toronto to Calgary

Toronto is a big city!!  It was neat to go there by myself, as I felt an automatic insecurity.  I have always taken a lot of pride in my ability to know where I am going, spatial awareness – And so when I don’t know where I am I sometimes get a little weirded out – However this is my healing – How often in life do we truly know where we are? Things are subject to change, and landscapes are always evolving.

When I got on the bus, two people came in around the same time, a girl and a guy, and we ended up having beautiful conversation – The girl said, “People don’t normally just say hi in Toronto” – A fact that I often forget!

I can truly say that as I have come this far (Alberta), I value Nova Scotia more and more – This happens every time I leave, and feel that it is nice to remember how much I love where I am from.

There was a time in the middle where a group came together and we knew we were going to be on a bus together for the next 2 days.

I had some very interesting experiences with male energies.

For the last year, and a concentrated last 6 months I have been dating Lauren, and in our space we have lived in Silence of mind, and openness of heart.

For a great period of time on the bus I was feeling quite knocked over by strong male energies – It is not that they were "bad", but I am just not used to talk about “fucking girls” and things of that sort.  There is a certain degradation that just does not fit into my life anymore.

It is extremely important for me to say that this is who I have been in the not so distant past - As I accelerate and evolve, my heart opens more and more and I am becoming something new - But in a lot of ways I was seeing my past.  And also seeing where I would have went along with the conversation to fit in before.  But this is no longer who I am - I would rather be an authentic loser than an inauthentic "success".

So as I am evolving, open heart relationship, and tantric experience is what I value.  Engaging all energy centers from the bottom to the top, and experiencing un-conditional love.

The way we typically make love as humans we can do it “good” or “bad” – to be “bad” in bed is ones worst nightmare.  

The joke is that it is ALWAYS a two person experience – What one “gets out of” sex is what both partners put into it – And in an un-conditionally loving situation the rating scale is thrown out the window, and in its place is open communication and embrace.  Like children, without a pre-conception of what is good.

And it is also important to mention that it did not happen automatically - When learning, or rather unlearning how to be authentic in sexual exchange, I had to face many patterns.  Patterns of insecurity.  Masks of how to do it "right", conditional self love.  And with patience, these experiences began to transform into what they are now.

By the end of the trip we were all talking on many different levels and it was truly enriching – I was practicing patience, and am glad I did.  If I had reacted to the energies and pushed back, a door would have been closed – But by allowing patience and love to come back each time, slowly but surely I got to share my views without pushing them onto anyone (This has been a major lesson for me!).

Some of the conversations were deeply connecting, and I got to write quite a bit and gain insight into quite a few areas of my life.

We had a 12 hour delay in a bus station, and it was very bizare!  It felt kinda like being in prison at times, there was a gaurd in particular who was treating us very poorly.

However, another gaurd was really awesome!  He and I started "Channeling" - What I mean by that is that the conversation starts to happen without deliberation. Automatic talking - When two people do not want any particular outcome, there is a space for a natural, authentic flow, and he and I got to share wisdom and healing with eachother in a 2 hour channeled flow.  I can truly say that I live for this kind of exchange.

Thoughts and words move out of the way as barriors and begin to flow to eachother, rather than against eachother.

In shamanic culture, it is known as a soul exchange.  It means we take down our defenses and masks to share heart to heart.  This "heart channel" is the soul expressing itself from beyond this world, and the conversation tends to take on flavors of insight that were otherwise not accessable.

This can also be called "Space Holding" because we become the space of awareness, and not only our human form - In this space, the human form truly comes to life!

I am in Banff right now and feeling quite sick!  I feel like I am cleansing quite a bit of fear and attachment right now – My writing feels a little lacklustre, but if I don’t push through and write I tend to put things off until they “disappear”, a subtle self sabotage that I am moving through right now!

Love

GCA Part 3 - My time in Ontario!

This post is about the experiences at Steffi’s place in Ontario.

The time with Steffi was very relaxed, we talked a lot, and gave each other a lot of space.

In the creation of conscious community, giving one another personal space is so important.

There are many spaces being set up, and experimentation is key… there are no absolute guidelines as to how we shall live, and many people who are starting these spaces are just re-membering their oneness with the Universe.

Re-membering oneness is an expansive experience – However, in its immaturity there is a cross over where one realizes the power they have with reality, and if that is personalized as a spiritual ego, it is very easy to “decide” how everyone is going to live.

The future infrastructures which will be successful are the ones that have communal opportunities, be they ritual, shared eating, group entertainment, etc. WITH a no “obligation” openness.  Religions have tried to create heavenly communities for some time, and the repeated mistake is that “group think” starts to take over.

Suddenly if someone needs to take their space, the rest of the group is wondering, “where is ___”, “I wish ____ was here”.  This is a subtle mind control, and will not last in the independent and interdependent balance which is budding!

Tribe mentality has deep purpose, and also deep healing of possessiveness (Of truth or people).

So the experience at Steffs was very reflective of having time to share with each other, and having private space – The natural flow took us to these spaces without deliberation!

We went to Toronto on St. Paddy’s day, and WOW, what a huge place!  I am always amazed at cities – As far as I can see this will not ultimately be the kind of atmosphere I live in, but who knows, things change.

We went to the local art college to meet a friend, and he was a cool dude who showed us some really cool videos he was working on.

We went to and explored some cool places.

The big theme that Steph and I were talking about was the flow of relationships, be they with parents, partners and friends.

A huge paradigm that I feel needs healing is that of “You owe me, I owe you” mentality.  This is not the discernment of trade, but rather the mentality of emotional lack that we tend to bring into communication, rooted in abandonment issues.

With parents this is particularly prevalent – “I birthed you so now you owe me a life I want you to live” or “You are my parents so you owe me security”

Both of those mentalities restrict the flow of authentic exchange, and taint our ability to share our truths.  My parents and I have worked with this paradigm for some time, and still do.  And our society and institutions are drowned in this often.  To go to school for example, you now start off 5 full time working years behind, just to pay off the debt.  That kind of start can only come with one thing, resentment.  And in resentment true creativity cannot flow.

I went for a walk one day to the downtown of the place Steff lives in, and I felt called to keep walking and walking…

Eventually I came across a spiritual shop called, “Sacred Quests” – I was greeted immediately with open hearts by the owner and her husband – Spirit began nudging me to channel some information to the husband.  He is a healer, and a channel, but was working through old paradigms that stated, “Only Jesus is allowed to do this work”.  This is an outdated paradigm that was set up to control people’s ability to connect for themselves, creating a dependency on religious institutions.

We had an amazing, uplifting session – I was so glad that I trusted the impulse to keep walking!

A few days later Steph wanted some incense so we went back to that same store, and a beautiful young lady who also was a healer working through self confidence was there – A channel immediately opened and the sharing was amazing.

It is so clear that there are many, many humans on Earth with deep talent and abilities to channel healing energy, and that self worth is the major thing holding us back – This is something I have been working with for some time, and it is the root cause of nearly every addiction and superficial mask!

Luckily, now is the time to heal these spaces, lift the veils, and come into personal/global wholeness.  Who knows how much time that might take, it is not pre-determined!  All we can do is have individual commitment to our own personal process of shedding illusionary masks, and do what we know in our hearts we are capable of for ourselves and the world.

The time spent in Ontario was incredibly rejuvenating, and I was very happy to spend some time with a dear friend!

Love

Internal Confusion About Love!

I would love to write about the actual experiences I am having with people here, because there have been some intense exchanges of truth and understanding with many people already.  But I have to admit though; this has been quite a challenging time in my life since I left.

When I first started writing this blog I had assumed that it would be all light – Truth be told, that is never the way life has been.

A mature understanding about reality is that it is our challenges that allow us to grow – And in this case, I feel that what is happening is that masks and projections about what is real are coming off, and what is revealed is incredibly sensitive and human experience.

Before leaving, I had been in relationship with Lauren for a year.  We decided that because I was going away for an undetermined amount of time that we would call things off, leaving them open.

Intellectually this seemed completely reasonable, but in practicality...

I have been in very intense states of missing her, her presence, and our experiences together…

We spent what seemed like days in what can only be described as a childlike state, a state where there was nothing to be defended, and pure experience without expectation underneath.

Living in “Silence” – not being quiet in a literal sense, but living in quiet mind together.

In that space of quiet mind, a completely different type of communication starts to happen.  There is nothing to defend or try to impress one another with.  A psychic sense opens up that is often obscured by our wishes to please one another, or get something from one another.

The type of communication that starts to happen is a full body expression – From the highest form of spirit to the lowest form of earth.  In this description though, high and low are not good and bad.  In spiritual maturity it is shown that all spectrums could not exist without each other.

The “lower vibrations” are actually the reason we are here on earth – To experience ourselves as separate beings.  One who is whole, becoming whole, or healing realizes is that we are completely separate entities, and also the highest form of One expression.

Those concepts may seem like they go against one another, but stepping out of concepts and into experience, there is a concert that cannot be captured, only lived in its fullest.

So the meat of this message is that I am experiencing a lot of grieving, and a lot of healing about what it means to be in relationship.  A perspective is being born which moves beyond any "idea" that I had about what relationship is.  Personal evolution...

As we have all experienced at one time or another – After taking a step back from an experience, it is usually then that we have a clear view on what it really was, and in turn is.

This all reminds me of the endless poems, plays, and romance novels which had not made much sense to me… as I open up my heart they do, and I feel like I am becoming more and more real.

I will write about all of the other experiences I am having soon – Many cosmic conversations and encouragement for the book I am writing, and global healing…

It is just so important to honor this intensity that I am feeling – And to not only write about the “good” things – A multi-dimensional being is one who experiences all of the spectrum without denial – And quite frankly, my heart is a hurtin!!

When reading this, if you wish to say, “don’t worry it will be okay” that is a lovely intention – But please realize that that is not what I am looking for.  To experience is divine, and the maturity of a spiritual quest is to be able to experience without denial – This is peace.

Love!

A Beautiful Poem About Rebirth - by Lauren Levine

Youve just been born remember your innocence.

Congratulations!
You have just been reborn
Welcome to earth!
What a fine choice you've made.
I see you've chosen to come back with this paticular body... one that holds memories
Thats why its so big right? because you carry all that you learn as you grow
Then you have the choice of course as coming back as a baby and starting 'fresh'
Or we can start right here as you have so chosen.
What a delight.
You have just been born.
Look at the moon and see U.
Look at your fingers and see U
Look around and see all the U there is
Notice how U interact with yourselves
Notice how much you love/accept yourselves
You've just been born this is such a new experience for you
there may be some confusion though
this may look very similar to a past life that haoppended very recently
its okay
look past the appearances
it is not the same
we promise you
the water in the river is always changing although it still looks like the same river
dance with the wind child
entrance yourself with the divine spirit that has led you to this rebirthing
each rebirth is an opportunity to remember to experience your innocence
this is the night of heavens birthing in tthe mind and soul and spirit
trust that you are protected
the time is not for expectation for it will lead you astray and you bind yourself when you expect to be given even time
come into the house of many mansions and during the water of nightsprings
you are the gentle meadow that lays on the earth
the one that you play in so carefreely
whgy donr you play again
discover the truth, or, what you thought was it, not being so
dance in the flowerbeds that orient the waves and know these to be something your heart with hand knows in a way that is not solid at all
into the nine will come the spartition of parts that regain the strength of the all
when you watch without a stare but a feeling of what is
become your intimate selves become your environment become be and then come join the stars
on earth
with your body
the one you were just reborn with
it may look like one who knows
and it does
let it show you the truth for it speaks when listened to.
The divinity in your cells.
You are the light and the way
Remember your innocence, innersence
With eavh rebirthing discover the world renewed with splender.
See what you have seen with out seeing as you've seen.
You are free

The neat thing about being reborn in this form is that you dont have to do what your parents want you to:-)

 

You are the child and the parent now

 

- Lauren Levine