GCA4 - Bus Ride from Toronto to Calgary

Toronto is a big city!!  It was neat to go there by myself, as I felt an automatic insecurity.  I have always taken a lot of pride in my ability to know where I am going, spatial awareness – And so when I don’t know where I am I sometimes get a little weirded out – However this is my healing – How often in life do we truly know where we are? Things are subject to change, and landscapes are always evolving.

When I got on the bus, two people came in around the same time, a girl and a guy, and we ended up having beautiful conversation – The girl said, “People don’t normally just say hi in Toronto” – A fact that I often forget!

I can truly say that as I have come this far (Alberta), I value Nova Scotia more and more – This happens every time I leave, and feel that it is nice to remember how much I love where I am from.

There was a time in the middle where a group came together and we knew we were going to be on a bus together for the next 2 days.

I had some very interesting experiences with male energies.

For the last year, and a concentrated last 6 months I have been dating Lauren, and in our space we have lived in Silence of mind, and openness of heart.

For a great period of time on the bus I was feeling quite knocked over by strong male energies – It is not that they were "bad", but I am just not used to talk about “fucking girls” and things of that sort.  There is a certain degradation that just does not fit into my life anymore.

It is extremely important for me to say that this is who I have been in the not so distant past - As I accelerate and evolve, my heart opens more and more and I am becoming something new - But in a lot of ways I was seeing my past.  And also seeing where I would have went along with the conversation to fit in before.  But this is no longer who I am - I would rather be an authentic loser than an inauthentic "success".

So as I am evolving, open heart relationship, and tantric experience is what I value.  Engaging all energy centers from the bottom to the top, and experiencing un-conditional love.

The way we typically make love as humans we can do it “good” or “bad” – to be “bad” in bed is ones worst nightmare.  

The joke is that it is ALWAYS a two person experience – What one “gets out of” sex is what both partners put into it – And in an un-conditionally loving situation the rating scale is thrown out the window, and in its place is open communication and embrace.  Like children, without a pre-conception of what is good.

And it is also important to mention that it did not happen automatically - When learning, or rather unlearning how to be authentic in sexual exchange, I had to face many patterns.  Patterns of insecurity.  Masks of how to do it "right", conditional self love.  And with patience, these experiences began to transform into what they are now.

By the end of the trip we were all talking on many different levels and it was truly enriching – I was practicing patience, and am glad I did.  If I had reacted to the energies and pushed back, a door would have been closed – But by allowing patience and love to come back each time, slowly but surely I got to share my views without pushing them onto anyone (This has been a major lesson for me!).

Some of the conversations were deeply connecting, and I got to write quite a bit and gain insight into quite a few areas of my life.

We had a 12 hour delay in a bus station, and it was very bizare!  It felt kinda like being in prison at times, there was a gaurd in particular who was treating us very poorly.

However, another gaurd was really awesome!  He and I started "Channeling" - What I mean by that is that the conversation starts to happen without deliberation. Automatic talking - When two people do not want any particular outcome, there is a space for a natural, authentic flow, and he and I got to share wisdom and healing with eachother in a 2 hour channeled flow.  I can truly say that I live for this kind of exchange.

Thoughts and words move out of the way as barriors and begin to flow to eachother, rather than against eachother.

In shamanic culture, it is known as a soul exchange.  It means we take down our defenses and masks to share heart to heart.  This "heart channel" is the soul expressing itself from beyond this world, and the conversation tends to take on flavors of insight that were otherwise not accessable.

This can also be called "Space Holding" because we become the space of awareness, and not only our human form - In this space, the human form truly comes to life!

I am in Banff right now and feeling quite sick!  I feel like I am cleansing quite a bit of fear and attachment right now – My writing feels a little lacklustre, but if I don’t push through and write I tend to put things off until they “disappear”, a subtle self sabotage that I am moving through right now!

Love