The night before I left, our band played a kick ass show at Gus’ Pub – It moved my estimated leaving time from 8am to 10:30am – And was wellll worth it!
I walked from my Mom’s place in Fall River to the highway, and stuck out the thumb.
In about 2 minutes the first dude picked me up. He was a cool fellow who used to be in the army, but now lives a sweet retired life. A few years ago he went through a divorce from an unhappy marriage and decided to “clean up” the way he was living and approaching life – Like many of us at this time, we have been living a life based on “What our parents/society wants” rather than what is personally inspiring. It was really nice to hear his story and feel the energy that he presented. He dropped me off in Truro where the highway goes towards New Brunswick. It was a great start to the day.
Here we are, very early on in the story, and things take a strange twist.
The next person who picked me up was an older man who was driving from Truro to Fredericktown, NB.
We were in a place where the highway went into the woods for two hours or so. And he asked me, “You’re not a shy person are you?” – Immediately alarms went off. Very quickly, rather than allowing fear to overcome me, I snapped into an intense Presence. I felt my energy field as being the source of my experience. And in that, my focus was to make it to Toronto safely and for him to not touch me.
He said he needed to change his pants and did.
Then a little later he said, “Did you ever go for a drive in the buffs?”
Now, when you are reading this, I am sure that it sounds like the scariest imaginable situation, this man was definitely about to get naked. Have you ever seen family guy? There is a character called “Creepy Old Man” – And he is so weak and ridicules in the way he comes onto male characters in the show that everyone just laughs.
This is how I felt about the question, and so I responded with “No, that’s not my thing” in a relentlessly positive approach. He took off his pants, and masturbated, desperately trying to engage with me by wanting my attention in fear. He didn’t say this, but I could feel it in his energy field. I absolutely refused to A) Give him any attention, I read my book. B) Be in any way scared, offended, or upset.
He dropped me off and I didn’t say anything mean to him at all – In fact, I said, “You know, I really understand that sexual urges can cloud a persons mind. If you feel guilt about this later, know that this is the illusion”.
To just about anyone reading this, this is probably a very offensive way to approach a person like this. So I want to explain my “motives”.
This man is sick - this is for sure. But he is no more “sick” than most people on the planet. I am sure that this man had this scenario going through his mind, over and over and over again. The entire story with the dialog of what “I” might say, and what he might say. It is a sexual perversion gone beyond itself into something very inappropriate.
My only question for the reader, just like I asked myself is: Do I have any mental loops that have created ridicules stories that have been sexual perversions? I cannot speak for you, but I have. Although I have not done anything like that before – I know what it means to allow A) The mental construct take over and B) Sexual urges take over.
I consider this being “possessed” by the programming of our society, and the taboo of sexuality which has made one not feel comfortable expressing the very innocent sexual truth from a young age. I feel that the root of this disorder is the inability to express personal truth as a youth and feel empathy for this illusion. I do not in any way pity him, or anyone like him – I do not feel like he “couldn’t help it” either. I just know what it is like to be so fucked up in an illusion that others and myself are harmed emotionally.
So what I did in this situation, remaining in ABSOLUTE Presence and personal faith was… Forgive MYSELF. I forgave myself for every time I have ever felt out of control on a sexual and mental level. It has happened many times throughout my life. And I felt this was the PERFECT reflection for my own personal healing and forgiveness.
I would like to say very clearly that I do not recommend that others do this the way I did. Demanding that the car was pulled over and I was out might be the perfect experience the next time. I don’t not recommend it either, but this is something that I am doing right now with absolute confidence. This path of healing is in a lot of respects very extreme, and it is not even close to the only path of healing.
Another plus to a creepy old man masturbating in my presence was that I got to LAUGH MY FACE OFF at how ridicules the situation was in the first place. When I got out of the car I felt both disturbed and incredibly hilarious. “What a dream”!! hahahahha
Another perk to being in that situation was that I with confidence thanked life for allowing my healing on that subject and then – CONSCIOUSLY choose to not experience anything like that again. In a very gentle way, without saying “PLEASE DON’T ALLOW FOR THIS” frantically and accusingly – I politely choose in a simple command to the Universe I Am, that I don’t need to experience this again.
I integrated the experience into my energy field, brought it back home to the source of my experience, and chose differently.
The next drive was about 30 minutes later, it was a German couple who were doing a tour around the country until they went home a few days later. It was nice and relaxing, and they offered me some yummy cheese bread!
They went into the United States to go to Boston, and I continued in New Brunswick toward Quebec.
20 Minutes later, I got picked up by a man who was going almost to Quebec. This was another interesting experience, but after the weird experience everything else was kinda like a cakewalk.
He was a homosexual man who expressed his interest in me as well (Very non-threateningly), and I very politely and peacefully explained that it just isn’t my thing. I like women, and I have a girlfriend. He was respectful of this, even though he very clearly wanted more. It was amazing again to observe his energy field as he created scenarios in his head where we were together forever, I can only assume listening to disco and running through fields.
Haha That last part may have been a projection, but that was the sense I got anyway. He dropped me off and it was getting kinda late. From here on in nothing sexual or flirtatious happens, which is a plus!
About 20 minutes later, two forest workers in a big ol truck picked me up they were going over the border and about an hour into Quebec. And neither of them spoke any English. I know about 15 words in French and vice versa. But this was a really hilarious ride.
Eventually one dude was dropped off for home, and just the one guy and me were going. He had some beers and offered me one. Feeling safe I drank a couple of them as we drove, as did he. We were making jokes about the fact that neither of us had any idea what the other was saying! Haha
At one point he asked me if I wanted some cocaine, and I respectfully choose not to. I have tried every drug more than once in my time, and right now I was just feeling like I wanted to keep sharp (Even though I had a couple beers) because I didn’t really know where I was. He pulled over and said, “Uhhh do not… paniiik?” and I thought it was just about the funniest thing I ever heard. He pointed to his head and said, “I don’t know you think” And again, this to me was really funny – because he was implying that pulling over might indeed mean he was trying to kill me. So I made a joke that perhaps I was indeed going to kill him! We both laughed a lot, and then all of a sudden an alarm went off in my backpack – He turned to me and asked “Murder Time”?? hahahahahhahahah
After a day of people desiring me in ways I did not desire back, this was an excellent end to the day. At one point he farted, and without being able to talk the same language it was even more funny than usual.
I was at a gas station/motel, and I set up my tent behind the motel.
I want to talk about drugs and alcohol. This has been a really fucked up subject for me as I grow and understand the nature of the Universe.
Before I began doing work with energy, and teaching spiritual understanding I used to party a lot. In fact, my expression of “The way everyone is living is boring, and I refuse to conform” came out in that way. I was never much of a drinker, but I have tried every drug and HAPPILY explored what it does to the body and mind.
When I went through some shifts, I started to feel like I was doing something wrong or dis-respectful to my self. And on one level you could say this is true. However, right now in my life, I only feel deep empathy for anyone who is so bored of the way society is set up that drugs and alcohol is the only way to mask -what is-. I found myself fearing drugs, thinking that I was a bad example or somehow disappointing the Universe. Guess I forgot that I am the Universe ;)
That actually leads to a drastic point, which again I cannot call morality or a way to be. This is just my adventure right now:
I feel that any time we are afraid of disappointing the Universe, or feel we have the ability to please the Universe – We are creating a separation which is based on Illusion. There are great things that I like to do for people and friends, but it is not to please the Universe any longer. There are also things that many people might find offensive that I enjoy doing, and I will no longer feel as though I am doing wrong to the Universe. This separation is the very “dysfunction” I believe we have been working with for eons.
Our essence (the part of us that is the part of everyone/thing else) – Loves to do things because it can. It loves to help because that is what feels right, not because there might be some sort of reward. And ironically, often there is – But it is because the game has been dropped to try and do better or worse at it – And in that integration, people are typically friendlier – “Do unto others as you would have done to you” – But I wouldn’t recommend making that into a head-fuck, or expecting the same in return ever.
There is a peace that comes with doing this without expectation, and it is that peace which draws beauty and adventure into life – Not the game of being a “good” person. Essence or Oneness is just good because it is, and does not fear what others might think.
Right, drugs! So exploring altered states of reality WITHOUT drugs has been a really fun thing to do – Exploring presence as the source of all life, and feeling the truth of bliss. And yet, sometimes I like to smoke a joint. Presence has become a way of life, not a place to dabble in, but a place to live. And so sober, straight, up, down. The Presence of Source is my life right now. I love being sober, I love exploring drugs, I love exploring everything. When something becomes uncomfortable perhaps it is time to move on. And if something becomes a substitute for the beauty and magnificence of life, perhaps it is time to move on. But do so at your own pace. And doing it to impress anything or anyone is not authentic.
So sleeping behind a motel in a tent was awesome! I LOVE being in a small tent, it is built for one or two people. I felt so safe and taken care of in my warm sleeping bag. I kept having dreams that the people who owned the motel were like “Get the hell out of here!” – Then I would wake up and there was only a beautiful wind rustling the tent. And little birds chirping and walking around the tent.
So this is the start of the second day – And my goal, no, my reality is that I am to be at Steffi’s place that night.
And as head fucks go…
That scared the shit out of me! Such an expectation to live up to. I have never traveled by myself through Canada, I had no idea how I was going to get there, and I was suddenly really scared that I could not make it. I even cried a few times – And felt like “I am so desperate”! Suffering, quite literally.
Luckily, this was a GRAND opportunity to allow that part of myself which is scared of uncertainty to more healing. I walked for about 2 hours, allowing myself to feel the fear in its totality. Allowing myself to be a “child” and let my mind say “I WANT” and “I’m scared…” – This for me was a very healing experience.
I then snapped back into intense presence and put out my thumb.
Two minutes later, a very nice man picked me up. He had a son about my age and was going to visit him a little into Quebec. I was astonished as to how BEAUTIFUL the land in Quebec was. It was filled with colorful fields, large mountains, huge shining lakes and bays. Truly magnificent! He didn’t speak English, so it was just a nice quiet ride – I reflected on Who I Am, What I Want, and Where I Am Going.
He dropped me off and I put out my thumb confidently and in presence and heart. 2 minutes later, a girl stopped. She was a cool looking chick driving a big old van all the way to Montreal! It is about a 4 hour drive, what luck!
This experience was very special for me. She spoke less English than anyone I had gotten a drive from so far. Yet we started to charade conversation. I like to ask people what they want in life. It is a spiritual practice for me to ask people what they want in life, so that their Universe is clear. I am not doing anything, but it just feels like fun!!
I asked her where she would visit if she could, and she charaded, pointing up and said “Space”. Well anyone who knows me knows that I am very interested in the metaphysics that states that we are a part of a grand cosmic experience – and that other planets regularly contact Earth. In fact, I feel that many of us (If not all) have experienced being a sentient Being on other planets. Her and I ended up talking about some very deep concepts without Being able to speak the same language. There is something very deep and real about this kind of experience. She and I were connected by the heart (As we all are) and really allowed that kind of communication to take place. What a treat!
Before I left Nova Scotia, I thought that going through Montreal might be the hardest part. I know it’s a huge city, and that there is a freeway that goes over top and through it that I would need to hitch through, and it didn’t feel easy.
I tried a few times to hitch, but I felt very overwhelmed by the traffic and again, I NEVER want to live desperately. I love my self, or love is my self in the most literal way. So rather than allowing the desperate feeling to take over, I thanked it for Being and choose to start walking. I didn’t realize that it would have been about a 5-hour walk, and luckily I didn’t need to know!
As I was walking in absolute peace, confidence and presence, a fellow nodded to me and I got a strong feeling to go and say hi. He was working at a security camera company and greeted me with a huge smile. He basically said, “I used to hitch hike and I completely understand” – Invited me in – Made me some pizza, filled up my water bottle, and printed me off a big beautiful sign that said “Toronto SVP-Please” – Then to top it off, he asked a friend if he would drive me to the end of the city because he was going that way anyway.
He said jokingly, “If you murder my friend, I’ll hunt you down until I die!” – I thought that it was really funny because everyone is scared to pick up hitch hikers in case they are killed, but that is the very thing that I am supposed to worry about too. So everyone is super scared of Being murdered. Perhaps we can have a day where we all agree to not kill each other and drop it on both ends hahahahah
The dude drove me to the other side with his son who was 15, we joked a little and I said “I bet you are thinking about girls a lot” remembering how being 15 was, and also allowing for that kind of space. As we talked about earlier, I feel that repressing those feelings about sexuality can be much more painful than it appears – And it isn’t always easy to talk to parents about it. But the 3 of us had a good laugh about lots of things.
Then I was on the main freeway out of the city and someone picked me up immediately. He is a fashion designer who usually takes private jets and what not. So he said whenever he sees someone who looks “Half Normal” he picks him or her up almost to share the wealth! I thought that was really cool. It was a short drive, but he drove me to the highway that was going toward Toronto.
I just want to give a huge thanks and appreciation to Montreal – I really felt taken care of in that big city, and was a huge boost in trusting personal truth and presence. I knew I needed to leave the city, and I knew I wanted to be in Ontario tonight, and life (our essence) honors what we want by opening up beautiful pathways.
I put out the thumb and an intuition kept saying, “the ride is already here” (An intuition is not necessarily a thought, there is a very subtle quality to it) – I kept on hitching, and the intuition kept on pulling me – I thought it was kinda weird! Except then I looked and way far down the line there was a dude pulled over jumping up and down. I thought “Wow that guy must be having car troubles” and my intuition kept on almost laughing at how much the ride was there. That guy kept on frantically waving and jumping up and down and it dawned on me…. Hahahahaha
He said that he was trying to flag me down since I passed me when I first got onto that part of the highway, and cars were literally stopping for him to help.
He was a cool dude from Palestine who was embarking on a 3 month adventure of his own, first to Ontario, then to the United States to visit family and party in New Orleans. He could be considered a hippy in demeanor, and we talked about all kinds of things. We actually smoked a few doobies together and laughed, talked and enjoyed the drive.
There is one thing that comes up a lot. There is a philosophy about freedom and what it’s like to live freely – And that the government and politicians are keeping us down. While on one level this is true, I would like to constantly re-enforce the fact that the only way we are being kept down by the government is because we are playing the game. We are fearing the things that “they” want us to fear, and then fearing the system itself for trapping us.
The irony and paradox is that this is really fearing fear itself. And it seems that as long as we are scared of the system that produces fear, we are stuck in a pattern of wanting freedom from “whatever”, without the experience of freedom. Experiencing a free state of consciousness is as yet quite rare (perhaps) within the human race – So it does take a lot of bravery to live that truth. It truly does involve dropping the game entirely (This does not always mean abandoning the physical society). This kind of freedom implies being COMFORTABLE with the fact that we as a human race have not been very free on one level. Learning to be at peace and Present with something that doesn’t look very peaceful is a grand gift that we all have access to – And again I re-instate: This is not an ultimatum or the “right way” – It is an option, and we are all free to choose whichever option we wish. It is nice to know there are other options out there sometimes though!
The cool dude dropped me off about 10 minutes from Stephanie’s home, and I was feeling CONFIDENT!! I was smiling and joyous – knowing that I was going to make it tonight. This first part of the trip in particular was drastically metaphoric of an upgrade into a state of unquestionable faith for me – And so I was a giddy One!! It was dark and in Ontario it is illegal to pick up hitchhikers (The fear around the subject there is intense to say the least!). Still, knowing Who I Am and Where I Was Going – I was a smiling monkey.
Then a cop pulled up and said he was going that way! I got in the back and thought that the whole thing was even funnier than before! I got a drive right to Steffi’s front door. If I was not so excited I might have planned a grand joke where the cop friend either A) Pretended to arrest Steffi or B) Pretended to arrest me hahaha
But I blew it and just went inside with glee.
Again, this first part of the adventure was probably one of the most intense adventures/challenges (of truth) I have ever experienced – And I am incredibly happy to have the opportunity for every beautiful, strange, scary, healing and synchronistic experience that I was blessed with.
It was funny looking back at all of the projections about how it would go as well, that either I had or others reflected. Some said I would never make it in 2 days, others said I would never get picked up in Ontario, and my internal fear kept saying that if I couldn’t make it then I was not authentic to Who I Am. All of these had their place beautifully, and the presence of truth and peace prevailed beyond all comprehension as always!
I got there at 10:45, so I was 45 minutes late, but throw a dog a bone! =D
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