Vancouver Island

I have been on Vancouver Island for almost two months!

The theme here has been rebirth.

There are certain patterns that I was working with at home that I was having trouble dropping.  When I say patterns I mean thoughts, words, and emotions - familiar routines that appear to be a personality.

When these routines are beneficial they can be lovely, but the ones I have been working with are of poor self worth, self pity, fear of commitment, fear of creating, and subtle control patterns.

It has been a very intense month in particular, allowing these energies within myself to come up, and ask for, and work with transmutation.

I am blessed to be here on this lovely farm – It is almost creating a womb like experience…

I have done and learned a lot about landscaping – It is so amazing to be a part of a transformation of a piece of land.  In one day it looks completely different from when it started.  Every bit of landscaping is metaphoric to me of inner landscaping…

To do weeding and to pull out the roots is very similar to finding patterns within that do not fit.  To plant flowers and watch them grow is very similar to setting an intention and being with the flowering of the experience.  To re-condition the soil is to “loosen up” the ground for new growth.

Another metaphor is the tools that are used, the gloves that protect the hands…

It’s amazing to be in a place where I have these opportunities!

I have come face to face with certain patterns around relationships, with some help from Lauren.  I asked her to clearly state where there was imbalance in our relationship, and bravely and in truth I learned a lot about where I can change.  Just accepting the mirror of the words was enough to start many balls in motion, many new intentions.

One thing that I am actively releasing is a mentality where I seem to get very close, then a fear of intimacy comes in and I distance, very close, distance.  That is bound to be hard on anyone, let alone someone sharing such personal space.  I feel that the roots are in self worth.

Along the same lines are subtle patterns of control… what I mean by that is that it’s about my coming and going.  In particular during the last week I have really come face to face with a part of me that wishes to control that flow, and again, that is bound to be rough on anyone.

Inner work is a delicate job – But if we can be true to ourselves and also accept the truth that is being reflected by those who we trust, it is very possible to change in healthy ways!

I have noticed with friends how often I was subtly reaffirming my stories lately as well – This is something to begin changing now.  There is time for release and time for seeding.  And I feel that those two spaces in healthy balance create the manifestation.

I had a very interesting experience last night.

I have been cleansing my body from alcohol for over a year now.  And I have been cleansing my body from psychedelics and drugs for the two months.

As I cleanse, my sensitivities to thoughts and emotions increases, my intuition is clearer, and my communication with guiding forces is stronger.

I am not against substances at all – But more and more I am more comfortable in sobriety, and I am walking down this path more and more as I hold healing energies for myself and others.

Last night I decided to do some “intentional drinking” just out of curiosity.

Me and 2 friends sat down and drank quite a bit of absinth.

There is always a level of honesty that comes with drinking that is a little bit different than sobriety, although I made it a goal a long time ago to drop that as a truth, and learned to speak whenever it felt right.

The same goes for dancing.

It was quite nice to sit around and have that experience – I even purged a little.

The intention going in was to continue shedding what is not necessary for my growth and those around me.

Although it was nice, I do not like the hang over, and there is a very good chance that it will be a long time before having another drink.

As the Buddha said though, try things.  Try things each way and then choose for yourself.  It is so important to have personal experience rather than solely going on the word of any other.

I think very soon I am going to go onto the next phase of this journey, and I feel that it will be to go to Victoria for awhile – We shall see how this unfolds!

Love you all